Category: personal

New Zealand, New Mike: Avocado toast and other things

So I’ve been in New Zealand for a couple months now! And I’m still alive! In fact things have been going quite well as I fall into routine. I’ve been attending professional meet ups, cooking, and getting ready to join a community garden as well as learn about repairing bikes.

What have I been Cooking?

When push comes to shove, I usually adapt and New Zealand has proven no different. I have been baking quite a bit, so below I’ll show off some of my creations:

Flatbread!
Peanut butter cookies!
Bread!
Cheese Puffs!

Flatbread! Why, you might ask? Because it requires 3 ingredients: flour, salt, and oil (plus water). Easy, cheap and healthy. Cookies? I made 60 and it was fantastic; literally ate cookies for three days. Homemade Bread? For a first attempt, it tasted delicious and also looked fantastic. Cheese Puffs? I took my love of cheese to the next level and learned how to make snack food with it!

What have I been doing?

What a great question. I have mostly just been enjoying my time off. I worked a little bit at a stadium serving food and this last month have been attending professional meet ups. The one I found most interesting was on becoming a business analyst, so now I am trying my luck as a consultant to those who need business advice. It’s fun and exciting, and I haven’t felt this motivation since I graduated college. I’ve been doing a bit of writing here and there and just recently got back into coding. I also recently attended a toast master where I got to practice my public speaking and since those are hosted weekly, I’m going to continue to attend more. I might not have a steady job right now but I’m hopeful if I focus this month on finding work, I’ll be able to find something I’m happy with.

Finally Doing ACA

I’ve mentioned it before, but I’ve been doing a few ACA (Adult children of Alcoholics) meetings while I’ve been here. I’ve now been going twice a week and it’s been really fantastic for my mental health. Not easy but I’ve felt a lot of personal growth and really feel my mindset shifting. My problem before is I always tried to tackle everything on my end, now I have a support network where I can openly talk about just how fucked up my childhood really was. It was the missing piece in my self confidence journey and has allowed me to be more vulnerable on the whole, not just in the meetings.

It’s interesting taking this journey overseas but the distance from home really does help quite a bit. I am completely vulnerable over here and I can truly see who I am. I’m proud of how far I’ve come and know that I’m at the finish line.

Travel?

Travel? What travel? I am simply living as I’ve said a couple times before. I have done a bunch of day trips but outside of that, not much else. Since travel is hard to write about, here are some photos instead:

A visit to a lighthouse after a long day of hiking
Rock formations carved out from glaciers, one of the most majestic things I’ve ever seen
Just a normal view around the Wellington area

As you can see, it is absolutely gorgeous here. This trip is exactly what I needed for this chapter of my life and I’ve really enjoyed just traveling around the Wellington area.

Tips and Tricks for Survival in a Foreign Country

I think the biggest recommendation I can give is to simply save up for the trip. Do proper planning and have a piggy bank from back home so you can spend happily. I’m happy that I chose a country where the US dollar is strong, so all the saving I did back home goes a lot further. By saving ahead of time, you take pressure off of “needing” a job and free up time to grow as a person. If you’re working a job just for the money, it can be tough to feel inspired by the experience. I’d also recommend breaking up your trip into markers and my favorite is to break everything up into three month increments. Ask yourself how you’re feeling and if you feel overwhelmed, know that you can always go home after 3 months. If you feel ok after 3 months, push yourself for 6 months and don’t underestimate how much you can change in a 3 month period.

What are Kiwis like?

They are nocturnal. Jokes aside, I’ve found them to be overall pleasant. I had the impression going over that they’d be some of the nicest people I’d ever meet and overall that has been true. But I also realized everyone is simply human. Living with up to 28 people (yes, you read that right) I’ve met a lot of travelers in the last couple of months. And while some cultures I quite admire, I realized that back home isn’t as horrible as I thought when I was leaving. It can always been worse. That said, there is little I have to worry about over here. Kiwis are relaxed individuals that prioritize social interactions over work. I’m hoping in the coming months, I socialize with the kiwis even more and start to really feel like I’m one of them. I have a mustache and long hair now, so I very much fit the aesthetic style of the kiwis.

A Nice Showcase of my double chin

More insight to come

The longer I am here, the more I’ll learn about myself. I am slowly regaining a long lost confidence and it feels really good. And just, yesterday, I touched Thor’s hammer! If that’s not a sign of good things to come, I don’t know what is!

May I one day be worthy.

New Zealand, New Mike: Living in Wellington one month in…

So we are now officially a month and a bit into my stay at Wellington. A couple weeks of fun in Auckland and now adjusting to living in a city versus simply traveling. The fact of the matter is… It can be a bit boring to talk about! This trip is very much a personal journey, one where I’m learning to adapt and make appropriate adjustments to my life. I’m learning to take things less seriously and just simply be. Which is a story I’ve told a thousand times before but one that’s always worth telling.

A journey of self discovery

So I’ve been learning a lot about myself on this trip. What I like, what I don’t like. And I’m learning to relax. The hard reset is in full effect. I don’t have to do anything here. I can just live and adapt. There’s no rush to be anywhere and I have become reinspired to improve my life. I went to church (once) and have been going to ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meetings on a consistent basis. I’m also trying this new thing where I take full responsibility for my problems and don’t play the blame game. It’s been a while since I’ve lived on my own, so it’s been a big adjustment getting into the swing of things on this trip. No money? Get a job? Need to save money? Don’t eat out. Buy secondhand, don’t buy new. Learn to sew instead of throwing away clothing. It turns out, a lot of basic necessities and skills I need to simply survive as a human being I am simply lacking, so I am slowing leveling up my skillset. It’ll take work but I’m up for the challenge.

Living vs. Adventure

So it turns out if you’re living in a foreign country, you can’t travel all the time! I am grocery shopping, I am going on swims, I am going on hikes. Wellington is absolutely beautiful and the city is fantastic. The activities I enjoy, I can do for free. There’s been a live concert series and night lights in the botanical garden for the summer, so it’s been something to do while I pass the time.

Coffee culture is great and I only had coffee a couple times! I’ve opted for a thing called “freeze-dried” coffee which is cheap and not too bad. I’ve been to the bars and they’re also fun! A lot of the bars have live music, so I’ve been doing some dancing as well. I’ve also been spending a lot of the time with the British since my arrival and have learned of wonders such as “marmite” and “beans and on toast”.

No Money, No Problem

My first job will be this week and it’ll be a casual job for a Foo Fighters concert! I was sick for a week so I was unable to apply for other roles. Since office work is hard to find with it being the holiday season, I’ve opted to send out applications to restaurants and work there while I wait. I spent a lot of time in the US obsessing over money so here I’m trying to relax a bit more and just have faith that it’ll all work out. Rent is cheap and I’m in a nice area (beach 20 minute walk, next to the city center, and hiking 7 minutes away), so I can’t complain. Basically all I want is to watch concerts for free, get free or discounted meals, and maybe do some catering work so I can get fed gourmet meals.

Still Figuring it out

So this travel series is a little different than when I was in Germany. Germany I traveled every weekend, ate delicious food, and had a lot to talk about. Here, not so much. It is a quiet, simple life where I lay on a beach without sunscreen and burn myself to a crisp. I’m starting to do more writing related activities outside of my blog so it’ll be interested to see where those go. Right now, I am reading a draft for a book and am hoping to write a review for it here on this very blog. It’s nothing crazy but it’s a start after 10 years of blogging.

And that’s a wrap! Unlike study abroad, this isn’t the most flashy trip! I picked a place to live and am living. Once I get a bit more established, I’ll write guide articles on how to navigate traveling abroad! I’ve done study abroad and now I am living abroad, so I am gaining a lot of knowledge on this subject. Cheers!

Journey’s Beginning: There are no ends

We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.

Orson Welles

The Beginning?

So here we are again, at the beginning. Or is it the end? I am trying to find myself. My decisions, my choices have led here to this moment. And I am proud, but I am also broken. I have held the world on my shoulders for too long and it has left me hollow, an echo of my childhood self. The kid who dreamed, the kid who sang, and the kid who never gave up. The kid who wanted the world to be a better place only to watch his heroes die and the shadows infest the very flame that burned so bright.

The Cycle Ends

To be fair, the last ten years have seen tremendous growth in my life. A lot of tough choices and no easy answers. I understand myself and know I cannot exist as I am. I came back home and said goodbye to my Dad as alcohol consumed him. My once hero became my sparring partner and truth be told I’ve been lost without him. In another reality he never touched a bottle and I could spend this portion of my life asking him advice, having him guide me in an uncertain world. Instead, I can visit his grave and hope he is watching over me. My questions are told to an urn as I slowly lose my mind.

As I prepare for New Zealand, I’ve been spending a lot of time with my friends. Beers on the weekends, game nights, and running. I’m grateful that I’ve nurtured these relationships over decades and have the capacity to create new ones. I’ve been treating my working visa as if I’m on my deathbed and it’s made me appreciate what I have all the more.

What I’ve been missing in my life has been hope and love which has proven to be my undoing. When I was younger, I wish I had appreciated the love I had, because I never realized that one day it would be gone. I was reminded the other day what it means to still have a heart that beats and as I feel the blood slowly come back into my body, I leave my life in the hands of the fates. I want to believe it will all work out as it was meant to even as I watch my once safe world crumble before my eyes. Life is tough but worth living.

The Cycle Begins

This chapter of my life is about finding myself and perhaps even building a new fire from within. New Zealand is my hard reset. It has forced my hand to lay a foundation of success. I have a long ways to go before I’m ready but everything is in motion. I have sacrificed pleasure for the past 6 months to have enough money saved up to pay off my student loans. We are here; after this month they will be gone. Now my focus has shifted towards personal finance; I don’t just want to survive, I want to thrive. I’ve started looking at credit card usage, have been investing for the last year, and am planning to get a second credit card before I head overseas. I’ve cut subscription costs since the pandemic and now only have what I use on a consistent basis. The other path to success has been focusing on my skillset and knowing my value; versatility will be king if I am to spend the next couple years traveling. New Zealand, Ireland, and Japan is my current three year plan; when I next arrive in the US, I will be a different man.

For my US send off and to end my twenties on a high note, I opted to run a half marathon. Since I started my training back in April, I can now run 13 miles with relative ease and the next couple months will be focused on getting faster. Physically, I feel better than I did when I ran cross country and it seems fitting that as I get ready for the next decade, I reconnect with an activity that has given me so much joy over the years.

Living my Dreams

Since an early age, I have wanted to travel and experience the world. I achieved this dream when I did study abroad in Mosbach, Germany. This time, it’ll be New Zealand and it’s all on me. Housing, Work, and a one way plane ticket. What better way to spend my first year as a thirty year old? As I get closer to October, the more excited I become. And what’s even better is I’ll finally get to write about travel once more. I’m also planning to bring my camera, so I’ll be trying to get out and take as many photos as I can while I’m overseas. Just me, in a land of strangers. It’s just what the doctor ordered and it’s one of those few moments in life that just makes sense. While I can take a small breath with my student loans, these next couple months will be crucial. I am focused and I am motivated, so bring it world.

And that’s a wrap. If you had asked me a year ago that my crazy dream of traveling and living abroad once more would become reality, I would have wondered if it would ever work. Does lightning strike twice? Apparently it does. So this year will be a busy year! Luckily, all I need to blog is a computer and an internet connection! Cheers to the future and get ready for more travel content as I prepare for my trip!

Imperfection: Mental Health Awareness Month 2023

As with most of my series, I like to spend a lot of time writing theses articles. And gradually, over the course of months, they eventually come together; like pieces of a puzzle that somehow just fit.

So here I am in my cycle of writing and rewriting as I dive deep into my own mind and answer the questions I don’t want answered. I write so I don’t numb the pain and so I can truly feel what I feel. And the question that has been ringing louder than any other in my head is “Mike, but…”. I’ll get back around to the question in a while, for now I simply write.

Craniosynostosis in a nutshell

For those who don’t know, Craniosynostosis affects about 1 in 2000 births. It is more common in men than in women and it has a few different types depending on what sutures fuse together when you are born. When you are a baby, eventually the sutures in your skull will fuse together. If they fuse too early, the brain won’t have room to grow and will instead push against the skull, causing deformity (as well as other issues) if left untreated. There are shaping helmets (I never had one) to help the skull keep a normal form after surgery, although more mild cases supposedly do not need the helmet for the skull to retain it’s form. When I was born, I had the surgery where they operated on my skull essentially making more room for the brain to grow and ensure my brain didn’t push against my skull. To my knowledge, the surgery was successful.

Why Am I writing about?

That is the question. So originally, I wanted to talk about my Craniosynostosis and then I thought it’d be easier to talk about imperfection as a whole. Writing helps, I’ve used this series to conquer my personal demons and I hope this is the start to a long overdue conversation with myself. The Mental Health Awareness Month series on this blog has always been about personal growth and with writing comes clarity.

To Add…

When I choose a topic, it forces me to think about the topic. I am constantly reframing the question posed to be suitable for general consumption; this is very different than writing in my journal. Craniosynostosis has been a topic I’ve spoken about in hushed tones and has become a defining narrative in my life when I never wanted it to be. The hope is given enough time, I’ll finally be able to accept myself for me and make my fractured self whole. A part of me would be fine never publishing this but that defeats the purpose of the exercise. It is only by talking about it that I can work through it and find acceptance.

The Ugly

Mental Health isn’t something you can wrap a neat bow on. Consider this a trigger warning of sorts. This article has been written over the course of months, edits are made here and there. To write this article, the benefit is digging deep, so for friends and family reading this, you most likely never knew I even had any of these thoughts. My outward demeanor is cheerful and positive and part of that is because I’ve done these deep dives. They are capturing a moment in time and by having written it, I can look back in the future to truly understand my mind. But it is ugly, it’s not pretty, not everything has a positive spin. The problem is people don’t talk about what bothers them, it is easier to dismiss how someone feels if it makes you uncomfortable. So I am making an effort to normalize these conversations, especially for men.

Acting like it’s fine when it’s not

I am the frog and the water temperature is being raised. This article, on imperfection, will still strive for a level of perfection. A wrong word here, an overstep there, and it loses validity. Imperfection. And therein lies the problem, my birth defect has led to an obsession with perfection, for better or worse. I feel like I always have to prove my worth, that people take a look at me and think of me as lesser. That no one will give me a chance at love and… You can see how the mind works. Isn’t it crazy to think? But it’s a prevailing problem in my life.

A Mike, But… Kind of problem

So this article is about the disjointed and of feeling lesser. Less than. And of having no anchor in this world. I was born with a facial disfigurement and I have let it become all consuming since someone first commented on it in 6th grade, roughly twenty years ago. And I’ve never gotten to talk about it, honestly. My whole life I have been told I look fine when I have never felt fine. And the older I get, I’m starting to realize it is more a question of trust. I have never really been given the opportunity to explore my trauma and it has become my everyday. An all consuming feeling of never being good enough. Years of meditation, exercise, a focus on mental health, all to be in anguish… Life has a sick sense of humor. Most days I want to curl into my shell and shy away from the world, to let the darkness win as I can no longer see the light. I watched my life collapse before my very eyes. Career and Love life never manifesting, panic slowly creeping in like a cancer. There have been moments where I’ve felt like collapsing only to realize I’m the only one to pick myself up. Are these thoughts true or delusions? Clearly delusions but in the US we have a problem of stuffing down the bad feelings until they become a poison. So this year, I lean into the negative I’ve held on to for so long and let it happen.

I’m extremely sensitive to any comment regarding my face as I have, on multiple occasions, had people make comment that it is different. When people have mentioned this, I have no way to discern if it is positive or negative; or simply a statement, an observation if you will. Since I have never officially been in a relationship, I have used my defect as the de facto reason. With my Career failures, I have now adopted the philosophy that perhaps it is how I look that is the cause. That no matter how hard I try, because I had my skull taken apart and put back together as a baby, I am destined to fall short. Hence a ‘Mike, but…’ sort of problem. Like ‘Mike’s nice, but I’d never date him because of his face.’

I have spent a lot of time pondering how my birth defect could be a benefit and wish I had an answer. Truth is I don’t. But I can’t run with the narrative that I ugly, that I am unlovable, and that my intelligence and hard work mean less because I am disfigured. Am I disfigured? I don’t truly know. I never had my birth defect addressed growing up outside of a reiteration that I was normal. I never had a “So what if you are disfigured, what does it matter?” talk. The “you’re normal” conversation, while I’m sure well intentioned, never really addressed what I wanted it to address. I simply wanted to understand that why if I was normal, others would comment that I was different. A definitive proof that I was normal or at the very least, how my difference was a strength.

Feelings vs. Reality

At the moment, I have body dysmorphia over my Craniosynostosis. When I look in the mirror, I hyper fixate on my face. Over the years, I’ve become more relaxed on my thoughts towards my image, but the lingering resentment of my birth defect is still there. I see asymmetry and it causes me to implode, where now I shrug and say “It is what it is”. There is not so much a healthy conversation as me believing it isn’t worth the energy to be upset over it. I would love to view myself as perfect the way I was born, I really would. There has been this constant struggle with myself as I grapple with what my mind wants to believe versus what I know to be true. I know everything I just wrote is irrational, that in reality it is all in my head; I could go talk to a friend and they’d tell me honestly that it’s not a big deal, that they don’t even notice it. But that’s not the point of this article. The point is convincing myself and acknowledging these are my thoughts, for better or worse. Not the thoughts I think I should have, but my actual thoughts. I’m tired of telling myself to just believe what others tell me without actually addressing how I feel. As much as I love myself and know how far I come, I know I have much further to go. Sometimes it is ok to say “FUCK” and just lean into how you feel, however that is. This article is the first step to undoing years of self abuse. I never thought I would talk about this yet here we are.

Remember, this Mental Health Awareness Month, if you see someone struggling, reach out. We should never, ever feel like we have to suffer alone. And if you’re struggling, reach out. A better world starts with lifting others up and not having to hide ourselves from the world. People are imperfect and I think it’s those flaws that make us beautiful. As always, thanks for reading!