What if I stayed, would it matter?
A chance to turn back the clock, a chance to stop time.
What if I stayed, would it change a thing?
Would the church bells ring and would the birds sing?
Would we go back to where we were? Before the pain and before the hurt?
In another life maybe it could have been.
But now night comes and tomorrow will be dawn.
We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.
Orson Welles
So here we are again, at the beginning. Or is it the end? I am trying to find myself. My decisions, my choices have led here to this moment. And I am proud, but I am also broken. I have held the world on my shoulders for too long and it has left me hollow, an echo of my childhood self. The kid who dreamed, the kid who sang, and the kid who never gave up. The kid who wanted the world to be a better place only to watch his heroes die and the shadows infest the very flame that burned so bright.
To be fair, the last ten years have seen tremendous growth in my life. A lot of tough choices and no easy answers. I understand myself and know I cannot exist as I am. I came back home and said goodbye to my Dad as alcohol consumed him. My once hero became my sparring partner and truth be told I’ve been lost without him. In another reality he never touched a bottle and I could spend this portion of my life asking him advice, having him guide me in an uncertain world. Instead, I can visit his grave and hope he is watching over me. My questions are told to an urn as I slowly lose my mind.
As I prepare for New Zealand, I’ve been spending a lot of time with my friends. Beers on the weekends, game nights, and running. I’m grateful that I’ve nurtured these relationships over decades and have the capacity to create new ones. I’ve been treating my working visa as if I’m on my deathbed and it’s made me appreciate what I have all the more.
What I’ve been missing in my life has been hope and love which has proven to be my undoing. When I was younger, I wish I had appreciated the love I had, because I never realized that one day it would be gone. I was reminded the other day what it means to still have a heart that beats and as I feel the blood slowly come back into my body, I leave my life in the hands of the fates. I want to believe it will all work out as it was meant to even as I watch my once safe world crumble before my eyes. Life is tough but worth living.
This chapter of my life is about finding myself and perhaps even building a new fire from within. New Zealand is my hard reset. It has forced my hand to lay a foundation of success. I have a long ways to go before I’m ready but everything is in motion. I have sacrificed pleasure for the past 6 months to have enough money saved up to pay off my student loans. We are here; after this month they will be gone. Now my focus has shifted towards personal finance; I don’t just want to survive, I want to thrive. I’ve started looking at credit card usage, have been investing for the last year, and am planning to get a second credit card before I head overseas. I’ve cut subscription costs since the pandemic and now only have what I use on a consistent basis. The other path to success has been focusing on my skillset and knowing my value; versatility will be king if I am to spend the next couple years traveling. New Zealand, Ireland, and Japan is my current three year plan; when I next arrive in the US, I will be a different man.
For my US send off and to end my twenties on a high note, I opted to run a half marathon. Since I started my training back in April, I can now run 13 miles with relative ease and the next couple months will be focused on getting faster. Physically, I feel better than I did when I ran cross country and it seems fitting that as I get ready for the next decade, I reconnect with an activity that has given me so much joy over the years.
Since an early age, I have wanted to travel and experience the world. I achieved this dream when I did study abroad in Mosbach, Germany. This time, it’ll be New Zealand and it’s all on me. Housing, Work, and a one way plane ticket. What better way to spend my first year as a thirty year old? As I get closer to October, the more excited I become. And what’s even better is I’ll finally get to write about travel once more. I’m also planning to bring my camera, so I’ll be trying to get out and take as many photos as I can while I’m overseas. Just me, in a land of strangers. It’s just what the doctor ordered and it’s one of those few moments in life that just makes sense. While I can take a small breath with my student loans, these next couple months will be crucial. I am focused and I am motivated, so bring it world.
And that’s a wrap. If you had asked me a year ago that my crazy dream of traveling and living abroad once more would become reality, I would have wondered if it would ever work. Does lightning strike twice? Apparently it does. So this year will be a busy year! Luckily, all I need to blog is a computer and an internet connection! Cheers to the future and get ready for more travel content as I prepare for my trip!
So it’s that time again. Another month, another newsletter. This month is going to be a big one, so strap in and get ready. But first…
So series take a bit to write. Just because I have an idea doesn’t mean it’ll get published in time. I had a few articles in the pipeline that just didn’t quite make it into the series and that is okay. This last month I talked about my birth defect and it felt good; it was a huge mental health milestone for me! Later in the month I wanted to talk about Men in modern society and talk about overcoming exhaustion but alas, the month ended before I could finish either article. But all-in-all, a success.
Remember to take time for your mental health, it’s important! A lot of the work is messy and takes a concentrated effort but is well worth it. Remember to check in with your friends, it’s rough out there and be kind to yourself.
About to go nuclear. Today I achieved my first major adulting milestone and that is having enough in my savings to pay off my student loans. I shed a single tear and felt the sun for the first time in a decade. My thoughts have, in a moment, shifted entirely towards the future. And the future is New Zealand. It is crazy to think I am five months away and I cannot be more excited. Speaking of the future…
So, I’ve had this blog for eight years now and I’ve been blogging for ten. This is a personal blog and I’ve been doing everything on my own since the beginning. All posts have been free up to this point. I’ve played around with Patreon and Ko-fi as well as other revenue streams but ultimately decided not to worry about it as the blog started as a way for myself to improve my communication skills. Now, as I prep for New Zealand, I realize extra money from writing would be fantastic. So starting this month, some of the posts on the blog will be subscriber only. Right now the plan is to have the newsletter and the first post of the month free, with additional posts each month set aside for subscribers. As such, very little will change, as I’ve typically only be doing a newsletter and an article. The paid content will hopefully encourage me to write more and add a bonus each month for those who really love the content. I’m going to start with $5 a month as I think that’s fair but I’m going to play around to see what works best. I’m also going to start adding the donation button to the bottom of each newsletter in case anyone wants to help out without having to subscribe.
Marketing, hooray! Marketing is an ongoing battle with this blog. For the last couple years, I’ve opted for a Facebook page (thank God I gave up on Twitter) and the WordPress reader. And the growth, while great has been slow. So, this year, I’m going to work on the marketing and my hope is it’ll bring more traffic to the blog. And also remember, word of mouth is the best marketing! So if you enjoy my content remember to tell your friends!
Half marathon training is going well and I feel in better shape than I did in high school. Coding is now a focus! With New Zealand fast approaching, I’ve been finishing up my coding lessons before AI takes over. I’ve also befriended chatGPT, in case it does become world ending.
And that’s a wrap! Life is busy right now but we are in the home stretch! Also, next month is sustainability month!
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To the Moon 