Late night musing: June 2020 (Now February 2021) Apocalypse Edition

Another late night in the Pandemic, sleep increasingly harder to come by. When I was in College, I remember writing in my journal late at night, making sense of my thoughts. In recent years, I have found less of a need to journal. My stress levels are typically low and the journal entries went from my darkest shadows to generally upbeat and hopeful. Now, it feels like information fatigue, losing the ability to disconnect from the world in my isolation. My thoughts race and while I can control how I think and approach problems, silencing my late night thoughts has become more elusive. When I’ve woken up in the middle of the night, I’ve been programming. Spending hours coding and eventually watching the sunrise through my window. I’ve been watching Netflix off and on, trying to keep my interest with shows,”Patriot Act” being a personal favorite. But I can’t seem to find balance, and the calm I do find, is fleeting. My whole life I’ve positioned myself for success but have seemingly fallen on my face time and time again. Happiness is fleeting and while I’m not depressed, I am anxious even though I arguably understand my anxiety better now than I did before.

Throughout the Pandemic, I’ve gotten back into the art of doing. Less talk, more action. But to what end? In my pursuit of knowledge, I am left with the haunting fact that the world is run by morons, at least in the United States.


This article is written sporadically. If I wake up in the night, I write here. I thought I was done after getting one good nights rest.


It is now 2021, February, 6am. I, as of now, have been writing since 2am. Going to bed at 10pm, I woke up and spent a brief moment trying to lull myself back to sleep. Instead, I “made” a hot pocket, poured some coffee and got to work on my mental health awareness month articles for May. Most likely, I’ll stay up for a couple more hours and then take a “nap” around 9am, waking up once more around 2pm or 3. Then I’ll do basically nothing until bed, which now ranges from 9pm to 6am; without a job, time has begun to lost its meaning. But it’s important to simply write, capture a moment and today has been arguably the most productive in the last couple of weeks. But the Pandemic is taking its toll, I’m ok with acknowledging that now. No amount of meditation will fix that (although I’d probably have gone insane if I didn’t). So here we are, wrapping up my late night thoughts, which has now transitioned into early morning thoughts. I’ll probably finish up a couple more articles before bed or give in and watch Zac Efron’s “Down to Earth” which has been quite enjoyable to watch thus far. Who knows where the day will take me, I write my own rules now.

January 2021 Status Update: 2020, How’d I do?

This last year has been a crazy year. I’ve had to make major life decisions that have affected my trajectory for the near future. No easy calls but hopefully decisions that lead to a better tomorrow.

A New Year, an improved me

Since I can remember, I have always tried to draft resolutions for the new year. In High School, they were typically one goal and it wasn’t until college that I started adding multiple. Years of failed attempts left me upset, until I took the SMART method from my studies and applied it to my resolutions. Even then, this was far from perfect. In 2019, I went a step further and implemented what I called a “tangible” goal to help measure my success. SMART covers the how, but it doesn’t necessarily cover the why. This year, I want to take time to look back on my 2019 goals that I carried over to 2020. And more than simply focus on what I didn’t do, I want to take the time to focus on my successes.

Language

German and French were the two languages I wanted to add to my language toolbelt. My main motivation is I’d like to spend more time in both countries and not feel like a tourist. Since I’ve already lived in Germany, my main focus for the last couple years was German. In that time, I’ve watched my first German TV show and as of late December, have completely finished the German language tree on Duolingo. That doesn’t mean I’m done with German but it does mean that I now have a foundational base and can begin moving on towards quantifying my language expertise. As a chronic dabbler, I have a bad habit of simply dipping my toes in the water without ever getting wet, so this is beyond exciting. So my Language goal for German? Has been met!

Because I’ve finished German on Duolingo, this shifts my priority to French. French I find extremely difficult to pick up. I’ve been learning it sporadically over the last couple years and while I have some idea of the language, it is elementary at best. Over the next year, it is my hope to build a base much as I did for my German. Luckily, I enjoy learning languages, so it’ll be fun to see how far I go.

For 2021, my stretch language goals are to learn Latin and eventually Japanese. Japanese is completely unnecessary, but it’d be fun to know the basics should I ever travel there. Since for the most part I spend 10 to 15 minutes everyday on Duolingo, I’m not too worried about meeting these goals to some extent.

My overall tangible goal for the year is to take an aptitude test to know where I stand.

Coding

Perhaps the most exciting development, I have wanted to code for the longest time dating back to when I did Lego robotics as a Cub Scout. A missed Summer camp, dropping out of Computer Science II in High School, and a couple decades have finally brought me the furthest I’ve ever been. Online coursework through Codecademy and I finally have a base. Python, SQL, and JavaScript are the 3 languages I’ve started with and I’m actually having fun. For 125 days I learned Python and I hope to get back on the horse after taking a couple months to relax. If I can get 8 months of coding in, then the year subscription will have been worth it. With that said, coding has been a resounding success in my book!

Three coding specific goals for this year: finish my Computer Science coursework and get a certificate, then finish my course in SQL and “How to build a video game with JavaScript”. I had two main childhood dreams: catch all the Pok√©mon (which I did this year) and make a video game. So all in all, not too shabby for the year.

Painting Drawing Art

I did not get into painting this year! The plan was to originally sign up for art classes and then bam, the plague rolled into town. That said, I did adjust the goal to broaden the scope. The only reason I want to paint is because I’ve heard it is very therapeutic. I’ve since adjusting my goal to include penciling and doodling. To that extent, I’ve succeeded as I bought markers and spend about 5 minutes from time to time drawing lines and circles on a paper. It’s fun, easy, and relaxing.

This year, I want to focus on penciling as that’s the easiest as far as getting started. The plan is to take all my old homework notebooks that I just have sitting around and convert them into my personal art sketchbooks. I’ve subscribed to Skillshare, so a class is literally a click away. I remember being quite good at drawing as a child, so I’d ideally like to recapture some of that childhood spark.

2021, one new goal

Yes, 2020 had other goals that I never met, like camping and running a half marathon (albeit the half marathon can be forgiven) as well as cooking. Looking back, this were just taking a shot in the dark. If I exercise, I exercise but forcing myself to run was too much to ask. Gone are my cross country days and while I eventually want to tackle the half marathon beast, it’ll come when everything else falls into place. Camping is great in theory but in practice it was too difficult to get out given my anxiety. I thought camping would help with my anxiety, but it is clear now that I have to work on my anxiety first before camping can become remotely possible. Cooking is another marathon situation. I have no urgency to cook and while ideally I’ll get into it as a hobby sooner or later, having it as a resolution adds more stress than joy. If I cook a meal every once in a blue moon, I am ok with that. That aside, my new goal for 2021 is…

Music!

I am a nut for all things that can improve cognitive function. My two goals are to learn piano and eventually the violin. My brother bought an electric keyboard a while back and never played. Growing up we had a grand piano that I would play around with until one day we didn’t. So now, I’m going to right a childhood wrong and learn to play without an instructor because online tutorials are actually quite good! Violin I will most likely need someone to teach me but piano has thousands of tutorials and offers the least resistance to learning. It’ll be tough but if it can make me smarter, then it’s worth it.

My tangible for the year is to take a month course and do exactly what the teacher says. I want to simply have fun and find the joy in playing an instrument, which I’m sure I can do.

Epilogue

A new year, fewer goals. 4 in total. gone are the days of exercise resolutions and resolutions I don’t need. This year is a focus on what I enjoy and developing skills that I can carry out of my twenties. It’s a year of change and solidifying who I am and where I want to go. I am ready to move past 2020 and into a new year, so here’s to hoping 2021 is better!