Another late night in the Pandemic, sleep increasingly harder to come by. When I was in College, I remember writing in my journal late at night, making sense of my thoughts. In recent years, I have found less of a need to journal. My stress levels are typically low and the journal entries went from my darkest shadows to generally upbeat and hopeful. Now, it feels like information fatigue, losing the ability to disconnect from the world in my isolation. My thoughts race and while I can control how I think and approach problems, silencing my late night thoughts has become more elusive. When I’ve woken up in the middle of the night, I’ve been programming. Spending hours coding and eventually watching the sunrise through my window. I’ve been watching Netflix off and on, trying to keep my interest with shows,”Patriot Act” being a personal favorite. But I can’t seem to find balance, and the calm I do find, is fleeting. My whole life I’ve positioned myself for success but have seemingly fallen on my face time and time again. Happiness is fleeting and while I’m not depressed, I am anxious even though I arguably understand my anxiety better now than I did before.
Throughout the Pandemic, I’ve gotten back into the art of doing. Less talk, more action. But to what end? In my pursuit of knowledge, I am left with the haunting fact that the world is run by morons, at least in the United States.
This article is written sporadically. If I wake up in the night, I write here. I thought I was done after getting one good nights rest.
It is now 2021, February, 6am. I, as of now, have been writing since 2am. Going to bed at 10pm, I woke up and spent a brief moment trying to lull myself back to sleep. Instead, I “made” a hot pocket, poured some coffee and got to work on my mental health awareness month articles for May. Most likely, I’ll stay up for a couple more hours and then take a “nap” around 9am, waking up once more around 2pm or 3. Then I’ll do basically nothing until bed, which now ranges from 9pm to 6am; without a job, time has begun to lost its meaning. But it’s important to simply write, capture a moment and today has been arguably the most productive in the last couple of weeks. But the Pandemic is taking its toll, I’m ok with acknowledging that now. No amount of meditation will fix that (although I’d probably have gone insane if I didn’t). So here we are, wrapping up my late night thoughts, which has now transitioned into early morning thoughts. I’ll probably finish up a couple more articles before bed or give in and watch Zac Efron’s “Down to Earth” which has been quite enjoyable to watch thus far. Who knows where the day will take me, I write my own rules now.